she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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