omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
