Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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