i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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