Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
