toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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