I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
