i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
