I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
