So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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