What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
