it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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