i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
