Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
