so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
