I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
As shirtless as possible
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
