I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You need a sexual gate keeper
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
