Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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