I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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