Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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