I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
