I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
