I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
