They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
