My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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