"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
