If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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