What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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