Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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