Christians are straight up FREAKS
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
