Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize