i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
