I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
