Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Never let your siblings swipe right.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
