does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
