I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize