Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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