I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
