If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
