i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
