just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
