and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
