you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize