Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
