then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
