his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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