do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
