I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
