Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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