You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
