I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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