I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Randomize
