I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
