I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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