eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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