We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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