You're so nebulous sometimes
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
